Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2, No. 18, March, 1921 America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy
Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. II. No. 18, March, 1921
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“We have room for but one soul loyalty and that isloyalty to the American People.”—Theodore Roosevelt.
By W. H. Fawcett
Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and dedicatedto the fighting forces of the United States.
Drippings From the Fawcett
At the close of the recent war, on my way home tothe Whiz Bang farm, still in uniform, I chancedon an old sea captain friend of former daysdown on New York’s Battery, old Jim Edmunds.
Later in the day, returning to my hotel with oldJim in tow, I found an invitation to a formal danceand card party awaiting me for that evening. I hitupon the idea that it would be well to take CaptainEdmunds along; that his stories of the sea dogs wouldprove entertaining to the guests.
Accordingly I persuaded Jim, after much difficulty,to buy a dress suit for the occasion. The tailor couldn’tconvince Jim that the vest should be cut down, andwith only one button, but finally they compromisedon a two-button vest.
All went well until we arrived at the hostess’home and I introduced Captain Edmunds to her. Jimhad on a medal he won for saving a ship at sea, and myhostess, at first puzzled as to whether he was an ex-armycaptain or a sea skipper, noticed the medal, andexclaimed: “Captain, I see you’re naval.”
The old man blushed and blurted out: “Yes, andif that danged tailor had his way, you could see a wholelot more.”
The other evening I picked up my old neighbor,Bob Jaeger, for a flivver spin to see the sights ofMinneapolis.
First of all we visited the National Dutch room toenjoy the cabaret. Bob was much astounded as heviewed the shapely dancers shimmying to the jazziestof jazz orchestrations.
“What do you think of it, Bob?” I inquired.
“I think you’d better ask the orchestra to playa wedding march, and play it quick,” he retorted.
Ignorance sometimes causes lots of trouble, andsometimes it falls upon the innocent. Witness thecase of Gus, our hired man.
I went with Gus to the Shoe Palace in Robbinsdalewhile he purchased a new pair of boots. Now Gussuffers from a common malady—perspiration of thefeet—and he’s very sensitive about it.
The clerk sprinkled some French chalk into thenew shoes as he was about to try them on. Gus got upangrily.
“If I can’t try on a pair of your boots withouthaving you sprinkle chloride of lime in them, I’ll takemy trade elsewhere,” he bellowed.
It was with much difficulty that I pacified Gusand explained the use of the chalk. So now Gus hasa new pair of boots, and without the lime disinfectant.
A few days ago, for the first time in manymoons, I heard sweet strains of “Sweet Adeline”coming in a rich soprano, with bass accompaniment,from a passing automobile on the Whiz Bangfarm trail, and it brought me out of my reveries andrevived memories of bygone days.
Thoughts of the many times I had heard thatsong along the trail from town, just after the bars ofRobbinsdale and Casey’s roadhouse would close, cameto me sweetly.
This brand of choral singing has become a lost artunder prohibition. “Sweet Adeline” as sung by atroop of celebrators who wouldn’t know whether theywere standing on their feet or their heads, was verybeautiful.
To enjoy it thoroughly, one had to be quite drunkhimself. Jack would sing the tenor, Bob the bass andI would join in the chorus, in sentimental strain. Itwas all very touching. With it, nothing can compare.
In my memories I can still picture Jack’s tenorsquawking “You’re the flower of my heart” and Bob’sbass refrain “Sweet Adeline,” after which came thegrand finale. Ah, those were the happy days.
The couple that left an automobile seat at theWhiz Bang farm a couple of months ago, while theywent to town to report the theft of their automobile,haven’t come back yet, and I don’t know what thedeuce to do with the seat.
Many a man’s reputation depends on what isn’tfound out about him.
Women are divided into two classes; those whodesire husbands and those who desire single men.
A good man who has gone wrong is in realitya bad man who has just been found out.
The charity that begins at home is usually astranger elsewhere.
And we note that the banker continues to take alot of interest in his work.
The fellow who is driven to drink will take a longride these days.
Why not appoint an electrician to censor movies.He is used to shocking things.
Love has all senses except common-sense.
What has become of the old fashioned man whoused to be able to hit a bullseye on the spittoon atthirty feet range?
Authorities have ruled that liquor can be placedin mince pies legally. But if we had the liquor, wewouldn’t wait for the pie.
A Minnesota man has a dog that chews tobaccoand still has some sense left. But it doesn’t drink theliquor peddled these days.
A writer to the Whiz Bang asks, “Is marriage asuccess.” We’ll solve the question by letting themarried folk fight it out among themselves.
A politician says the American people are beingcoddled too much. He’s right. Even the bootleggerswon’t let you pour out your own drink any more.
The amount of money a man has is the differencebetween his love for that evil and his love for women.
Women estimate friends by the advantages to bederived from them.
Men suspect women too much and “THE WOMAN”not enough.
An old husband is an honor to his wife.
Balzac said: “Woman is a creature between manand the angels.” How true, if it were not for her allmen would have an easy road to heaven.
Love may be blind, but don’t take chances andcome home with a long silk stocking in your pocket.
Powder is the dust the gods have given womenwherewith to blind the eyes of men.
All men are not homeless, but some are home lessthan others.
Man is often blind to virtue, but never to beauty.
The frail young thing who is too tired to run anerrand for mother can wear out the huskiest man onthe dance floor.
Goosey, Goosey Gander
The Smiths heard Liza Gander, their maid, in thebathroom laughing and giggling for nearly an hour.
“What’s so funny, Liza?” asked Mrs. Smith,knocking on the bathroom door.
“Lawsa me,” replied Liza between giggles. “Izeso nervous, ah caint dry mesself.”
Discounting a Discount
A real estate agent was offered fifty dollars, lesstwo and a half percent discount for cash, for an optionon a piece of property. Being a poor mathematicianand wishing to conceal his ignorance of arithmeticfrom his customer, he excused himself for a minute andsought his new stenographer.
“Good morning, Miss Brown,” he said in hismost expansive smile. “Delightful weather we’rehaving, ain’t it? Now, tell me, if I were to give youfifty dollars, less two and a half percent discount forcash, how much would you take off?”
Instead of figuring it out, the young lady promptlyput on her hat and coat and went home, saying shehad been insulted. Darned if we can see what therewas to get insulted over. If she couldn’t figure it out,why didn’t she say so and let it go at that.
A Pullman porter has just compiled a book onBerth Control.
Too Much Smell
Mandy was gazing upon the shop window displayof toilet water hungrily.
“Come on ’way from dar, Mandy,” said Rastuswarily, “or yo all will be tempted to buy some.”
“Rastus, Ah’s gwine to buy a bottle ob dat toiletwater.”
“Ah, c’mon ’way, Mandy. Yo’ all smell like atoilet watah already.”
A Carman’s Love Code
When a woman is sulky and will not speak—EXITER.
If she gets too excited—CONTROLLER.
If she talks too much—INTERRUPTER.
If her ideas and yours do not coincide—CONVERTER.
If she is willing to come half way—METER.
If she comes all the way—RECEIVER.
If she wants to go further—CONDUCTER.
If she wants to go all the way—DISPATCHER.
If she proves you did her wrong—COMPENSATER.
If she goes up in the air—CONDENSER.
If she wants chocolates—FEEDER.
If she will permit you—KISSER.
If she wants to dance—JAZZ WITH HER.
A New Proposal
Business Was Good
A gob on a furlough telegraphed his ship commanderas follows:
“Sir: Just got married. Please wire me ten-dayextension of leave to finish honeymoon.”
Why He Needs Paper
The Rocky Ford, Colorado, Gazette-Topic printsthis one:
The editor met a farmer reader on the street whowas considerably in arrears with his subscription andsuggested that the farmer liquidate, come across, digup a little coin, but the farmer said he had no money.
“Well,” said the editor, “bring in some chickens.”
“I have no chickens,” said the farmer.
“Then,” said the scribe, “bring in some potatoes,corn, wheat or something.”
“I have no corn, no wheat or potatoes,” said thefarmer.
“Well,” continued the pencil pusher, “you mightbring in some cobs, I can burn them anyway.”
“Cobs,” said the farmer, “cobs, why man if Ihad cobs I wouldn’t need your paper.”
A Choice of Evils
“Would you marry her just because she’s wealthy?Don’t you know she has a questionable past?”
“Well, what of it? If I don’t marry her I shallhave a questionable future.”
Picture Land Flattery
Editor’s Note: Here is a story for young girlswith movie ambitions. In fact it’s a crackerjack ofa story for women in general. I do not believe thepublic, outside of Los Angeles, realizes that the favoriteform for gaining a lady’s favor is to tell hershe ought to be in pictures.
Girls strange to Los Angeles fall hard for this styleof flattery, very often with serious final result. Designingmen quite frequently bunco the fair and trustingcreatures and “those who know” declare it is surprisinghow the ladies like the movie flattery.
But here is the story, true to nature and only intendedfor the eyes of the fair sex.
Young women who desire to break into themovies should be prepared to take a little“breaking-in” themselves unless they indeed arefortunate and bump into a