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Operation R.S.V.P.

Operation R.S.V.P.
Category: Short stories
Title: Operation R.S.V.P.
Release Date: 2006-04-26
Type book: Text
Copyright Status: Public domain in the USA.
Date added: 25 March 2019
Count views: 14
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Transcriber's note:
This etext was produced from Amazing Stories, January, 1951. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the copyright on this publication was renewed.

 

OPERATION R.S.V.P

By
H. Beam Piper

 

Vladmir N. Dzhoubinsky, ForeignMinister, Union of East European SovietRepublics, to Wu Fung Tung,Foreign Minister, United Peoples' Republicsof East Asia:

15 Jan. 1984

Honored Sir:

Pursuant to our well known policyof exchanging military and scientificinformation with the Government, offriendly Powers, my Governmenttakes great pleasure in announcingthe completely successful final testsof our new nuclear-rocket guided missileMarxist Victory. The test launchingwas made from a position southof Lake Balkash; the target was locatedin the East Siberian Sea.

In order to assist you in appreciatingthe range of the new guided missileMarxist Victory, let me point outthat the distance from launching-siteto target is somewhat over 50 percentgreater than the distance from launching-siteto your capital, Nanking.

My Government is still hopefulthat your Government will revise itspresent intransigeant position on theKhakum River dispute.

I have the honor, etc., etc., etc.,

V. N. Dzhoubinsky

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wu Fung Tung, to Vladmir N.Dzhoubinsky:

7 Feb., 1984

Estimable Sir:

My Government was most delightedto learn of the splendid triumph ofyour Government in developing thenew guided missile Marxist Victory,and at the same time deeply relieved.We had, of course, detected the releaseof nuclear energy incident tothe test, and inasmuch as it had obviouslyoriginated in the disintegrationof a quantity of Uranium 235, wehad feared that an explosion had occurredat your Government's secreturanium plant at Khatanga. We havelong known of the lax security measuresin effect at this plant, and have,as a consequence, been expecting somedisaster there.

I am therefore sure that your Governmentwill be equally gratified tolearn of the perfection, by my Government,of our own new guided missileCelestial Destroyer, which embodies,in greatly improved form,many of the features of your ownGovernment's guided missile MarxistVictory. Naturally, your own scientificwarfare specialists have detectedthe release of energy incident to theexplosion of our own improved thorium-hafniuminteraction bomb; thisbomb was exploded over the NorthPolar ice cap, about two hundredmiles south of the Pole, on about 35degrees East Longitude, almost duenorth of your capital city of Moscow.The launching was made from a sitein Thibet.

Naturally, my Government cannotdeviate from our present just andreasonable attitude in the KhakumRiver question. Trusting that yourGovernment will realize this, I havethe honor to be,

Your obedient and respectful servant,

Wu Fung Tung

 

 

From N. Y. TIMES, Feb. 20, 1984:
AFGHAN RULER FETED ATNANKING

Ameer Shere Ali Abdallah Confers

With

UPREA Pres. Sung Li-Yin

 

 

UEESR Foreign Minister Dzhoubinskyto Maxim G. Krylenkoff, Ambassadorat Nanking:

3 March, 1984

Comrade Ambassador:

It is desired that you make immediatesecret and confidential repeatsecret and confidential inquiry as tothe whereabouts of Dr. Dimitri O.Voronoff, the noted Soviet rocket expert,designer of the new guided missileMarxist Victory, who vanished aweek ago from the Josef VissarionovitchDjugashvli Reaction-PropulsionLaboratories at Molotovgorod. It isfeared in Government circles that thisnoted scientist has been abducted byagents of the United Peoples' Republicsof East Asia, possibly to extractfrom him, under torture, informationof a secret technical nature.

As you know, this is but the latestof a series of such disappearances, beginningabout five years ago, when theKhakum River question first arose.

Your utmost activity in this matteris required.

Dzhoubinsky

 

 

Ambassador Krylenkoff to ForeignMinister Dzhoubinsky:

9 March, 1984

Comrade Foreign Minister:

Since receipt of yours of 3/3/'84, Ihave been utilizing all resources at mydisposal in the matter of the notedscientist D. O. Voronoff, and availingmyself of all sources of information,e.g., spies, secret agents, disaffectedelements of the local population, andincluding two UPREA Cabinet Ministerson my payroll. I regret to reportthat results of this investigation havebeen entirely negative. No one hereappears to know anything of thewhereabouts of Dr. Voronoff.

At the same time, there is considerableconcern in UPREA Governmentcircles over the disappearances of certainprominent East Asian scientists,e.g.. Dr. Hong Foo, the nuclear physicist;Dr. Hin Yang-Woo, the greattheoretical mathematician; Dr. MongShing, the electronics expert. I am informedthat UPREA Governmentsources are attributing these disappearancesto us.

I can only say that I am sincerelysorry that this is not the case.

Krylenkoff

 

 

Wu Fung Tung to Vladmir N.Dzhoubinsky:

21 April, 1984

Estimable Sir:

In accordance with our establishedpolicy of free exchange with friendlyPowers of scientific information, permitme to inform your Governmentthat a new mutated disease-virus hasbeen developed in our biological laboratories,causing a highly contagiousdisease similar in symptoms to bubonicplague, but responding to none ofthe treatments for this latter disease.This new virus strain was accidentallyproduced in the course of some experimentswith radioactivity.

In spite of the greatest care, it isfeared that this virus has spread beyondthe laboratory in which it wasdeveloped. We warn you most urgentlyof the danger that it may havespread to the UEESR; enclosed area list of symptoms, etc.

My Government instructs me toadvise your Government that the attitudeof your Government in theKhakum River question is utterly unacceptable,and will require considerablerevision before my Governmentcan even consider negotiation withyour Government on the subject.Your obedient and respectful servant,

Wu Fung Tung

 

 

From N. Y. Times, May 12, 1984:

AFGHAN RULER FETED AT

MOSCOW

Ameer sees Red Square TroopReview;

Confers with Premier-PresidentMouzorgin

 

 

Sing Yat, UPREA Ambassador atMoscow, to Wu Fung Tung:

26 June, 1984

Venerable and Honored Sir:

I regret humbly that I can learnnothing whatever about the fate ofthe learned scholars of science ofwhom you inquire, namely: HongFoo, Hin Yang-Woo, Mong Shing,Yee Ho Li, Wong Fat, and Bao Hu-Shin.This inability may be in partdue to incompetence of my unworthyself, but none of my many sourcesof information, including Soviet Ministerof Police Morgodoff, who is onmy payroll, can furnish any usefuldata whatever. I am informed, however,that the UEESR Government isdeeply concerned about similar disappearancesof some of the foremostof their own scientists, includingVoronoff, Jirnikov, Kagorinoff, Bakhorin,Himmelfarber and Pavlovinsky,all of whose dossiers are on file withour Bureau of Foreign Intelligence.I am further informed that the Governmentof the UEESR ascribes thesedisappearances to our own activities.

Ah, Venerable and Honored Sir, ifthis were only true!

Kindly condescend to accept complimentsof,

Sing Yat

 

 

Dzhoubinsky to Wu Fung Tung:

6 October, 1984

Honored Sir:

Pursuant to our well known policyof exchanging scientific informationwith the Governments of friendlyPowers, my Government takes thegreatest pleasure in announcing a scientificdiscovery of inestimable valueto the entire world. I refer to nothingless than a positive technique forliquidating rats as a species.

This technique involves treatmentof male rats with certain types ofhard radiations, which not only rendersthem reproductively sterile butleaves the rodents so treated in fullpossession of all other sexual functionsand impulses. Furthermore, thiscondition of sterility is venereally contagious,so that one male rat so treatedwill sterilize all female rats withwhich it comes in contact, and these,in turn, will sterilize all male ratscoming in contact with them. Ourmathematicians estimate that undereven moderately favorable circumstances,the entire rat population ofthe world could be sterilized from onemale rat in approximately two hundredyears.

Rats so treated have already beenliberated in the granaries at Odessa;in three months, rat-trappings therehave fallen by 26.4 percent, andgrain-losses to rats by 32.09 percent.

We are shipping you six dozen sterilizedmale rats, which you can usefor sterilization stock, and, by soaugmenting their numbers, may duplicateour own successes.

Curiously enough, this effect ofvenereally contagious sterility was discoveredquite accidentally, in connectionwith the use of hard radiations forhuman sterilization (criminals, mentaldefectives, etc.). Knowing the disastrouspossible effects of an epidemicof contagious human sterility, all personsso sterilized were liquidated assoon as the contagious nature of theirsterility had been discovered, withthe exception of a dozen or so convicts,who had been released beforethis discovery was made. It is believedthat at least some of them havemade their way over the border andinto the territory of the United Peoples'Republics of East Asia. I mustcaution your Government to be on thelookout of them. Among a peoplestill practicing ancestor-worship, anepidemic of sterility would be a disasterindeed.

My Government must insist thatyour Government take some definitestep toward the solution of the KhakumRiver question; the present positionof the Government of the UnitedPeoples' Republics of East Asiaon this subject is utterly unacceptableto the Government of the Unionof East European Soviet Republics,and must be revised very considerably.

I have the honor, etc., etc.,

Vladmir N. Dzhoubinsky

 

 

Coded radiogram, Dzhoubinsky toKrylenkoff:

25 OCTOBER, 1984

ASCERTAIN IMMEDIATELYCAUSE OF RELEASE OF NUCLEARENERGY VICINITY OFNOVA ZEMBLA THIS AM

DZHOUBINSKY

 

 

Coded radiogram, Wu Fung Tungto Sing Yat:

25 OCTOBER, 1984

ASCERTAIN IMMEDIATELYCAUSE OF RELEASE OF NUCLEARENERGY VICINITY OF NOVAZEMBLA THIS AM

WU

 

 

Letter from the Ameer of Afghanistanto UEESR Premier-PresidentMouzorgin and UPREA PresidentSung Li-Yin:

26 October, 1984

SHERE ALI ABDALLAH, Ameerof Afghanistan, Master of Kabul,Lord of Herat and Kandahar, Keeperof Khyber Pass, Defender of the TrueFaith, Servant of the Most High andSword-Hand of the Prophet; Ph.D.(Princeton); Sc.B. (MassachusettsInstitute of Technology); M.A. (Oxford):to their Excellencies A.A. Mouzorgin,Premier-President of the Unionof East European Soviet Republics,and Sung Li-Yin, President ofthe United Peoples' Republics of EastAsia,

Greetings, in the name of Allah!

For the past five years, I havewatched, with growing concern, theincreasing tensions between your Excellencies'respective Governments, allegedlyarising out of the so-calledKhakum River question. It is myconviction that this Khakum Riverdispute is the utterly fraudulent deviceby which both Governments hopeto create a pretext for the invasionof India, each ostensibly to rescuethat unhappy country from the rapacityof the other. Your Excellenciesmust surely realize that this is a contingencywhich the Government of theKingdom of Afghanistan cannot andwill not permit; it would mean nothingshort of the national extinction ofthe Kingdom of Afghanistan, and theenslavement of the Afghan people.

Your Excellencies will recall thatI discussed this matter most urgentlyon the occasions of my visits to yourrespective capitals of Moscow andNanking, and your respective attitudes,on those occasions, has firmlyconvinced me that neither of your Excellenciesis by nature capable ofadopting a rational or civilized attitudetoward this question. It appearsthat neither of your Excellencies hasany intention of abandoning yourpresent war of mutual threats andblackmail until forced to do so bysome overt act on the part of one orthe other of your Excellencies' Governments,which would result in physicalwar of pan-Asiatic scope andmagnitude. I am further convincedthat this deplorable situation arisesout of the megalomaniac ambitionsof the Federal Governments of theUEESR and the UPREA, respectively,and that the different peoples ofwhat you unblushingly call your "autonomous"republics have no ambitionsexcept, on a rapidly diminishingorder of probability, to live outtheir natural span of years in peace.Therefore:

In the name of ALLAH, the Merciful,the Compassionate: We, ShereAli Abdallah, Ameer of Afghanistan,etc., do decree and command that thepolitical entities known as the Unionof East European Soviet Republicsand the United Peoples' Republics ofEast Asia respectively are herewithabolished and dissolved into their constituentautonomous republics, eachone of which shall hereafter enjoycomplete sovereignty within its ownborders as is right and proper.

Now, in case either of you gentlemenfeel inclined to laugh this off,let me remind you of the series ofmysterious disappearances of some ofthe most noted scientists of both theUEESR and the UPREA, and let meadvise your Excellencies that thesescientists are now residents and subjectsof the Kingdom of Afghanistan,and are here engaged in research anddevelopment work for my Government.These gentlemen were not abducted,as you gentlemen seem to believe;they came here of their ownfree will, and ask nothing better thanto remain here, where they are treatedwith dignity and honor, given materialrewards—riches, palaces, harems,retinues of servants, etc.—and arealso free from the intellectual andideological restraints which make lifeso intolerable in your respectivecountries to any man above the orderof intelligence of a cretin. In returnfor these benefactions, these eminentscientists have developed, for myGovernment, certain weapons. For example:

1.) A nuclear-rocket guided missile,officially designated as the Sword ofIslam, vastly superior to your Excellencies'respective guided missilesMarxist Victory and Celestial Destroyer.It should be; it was the productof the joint efforts of Dr. Voronoffand Dr. Bao Hu-Shin, whom yourExcellencies know.

2.) A new type of radar-radio-electronicdefense screen, which can notonly detect the approach of a guidedmissile, at any velocity whatever, butwill automatically capture and redirectsame. In case either of yourExcellencies doubt this statement, youare invited to aim a rocket at sometarget in Afghanistan and see whathappens.

3.) Both the UPREA mutatedvirus and the UEESR contagious sterility,with positive vaccines againstthe former and means of instrumentaldetection of the latter.

4.) A technique for initiating andcontrolling the Bethe carbon-hydrogencycle. We are now using this as asource of heat for industrial and evendomestic purposes, and we also havea carbon-hydrogen cycle bomb. Sucha bomb, delivered by one of ourSword of Islam Mark IV's, was activatedyesterday over the

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