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What will they say at Brompton?

What will they say at Brompton?
Title: What will they say at Brompton?
Release Date: 2018-10-16
Type book: Text
Copyright Status: Public domain in the USA.
Date added: 27 March 2019
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The Project Gutenberg eBook, What will they say at Brompton?, by J.Stirling CoyneThis eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and mostother parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms ofthe Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll haveto check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.Title: What will they say at Brompton?Author: J. Stirling CoyneRelease Date: October 16, 2018  [eBook #58114]Language: EnglishCharacter set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WHAT WILL THEY SAY AT BROMPTON?***

Transcribed from the [1858?] Thomas Hailes Lacy edition byDavid Price, email [email protected]

Book cover


A Comedetta,




Man of Many Friends,” “MyWife’s Daughter,” “Box and Cox
Married and Settled,” “Binks theBagman,” “How to Settle
Accounts with your Laundress,” “Did youever send your
Wife to Camberwell,” “A Duel in theDark,” “Leo the
Terrible,” “Mrs. Bunbury’sSpoons,” “The
Water Witches,” “An UnprotectedFemale,”
The Pas de Fascination,” “TheHope
of the Family,” “Willikins and hys
Dinah,” “The Old Chateau,”
Fraud and its Victims,”
Catching a Mermaid,”
The Secret Agent,”
&c., &c., &c.


(Opposite Southampton Street, Covent GardenMarket),


p. 2First performed at the RoyalOlympic Theatre,
Monday, November 23, 1857.



MR. SAMUEL TODD (of Cozy Cottage,Brompton)

Mr. F. Robson.


Mr. G. Cooke.


Miss Wyndham.


Miss Bromley.



Mr. F. Robson.


Mr. Addison.


Mr. H. Cooper.


Mr. Franks.


Miss Wyndham.


Miss Marston.

Time ofRepresentation—50 Minutes.


Mr. Samuel Todd.—FirstDress; Large morning gown, black trowsers.  SecondDress; Foreign cut black coat, full black trousers, whiteItalian hat, with black hat band.  Third Dress; sameas first.

Croker.—Blue coat, withyellow buttons, black trousers, colored silk handkerchief tiedround his throat, broad brimmed black hat.

Mrs. Todd.—FirstDress; Muslin morning dress and cap.  SecondDress; Black silk dress, mantilla and bonnet.  ThirdDress; same as first.

Jacopo Terreboli / Grimbaldi / Brigand } Brigand costumes.

Perks.—Light coloured muslindress and apron.

Marietta.—Italian peasantgirl’s dress.


Scene I.

A Parlour in Cozy Cottage, Brompton, (2ndgrooves) tastefully furnished; door ofentrance, R. 1 E.; door of Todd’s room,L.1 E.; window, with curtainsdrawn, C.flat.—A large leather travelling case onchair, R. C.; carpetbag, hat case, bandboxes, and a pair ofboots on the floor; fishing rod, telescope,and umbrellas scattered about the room, which exhibitsthe disorder indicative of preparation for a journeyA table, C., on which isa writing desk, two candles lighted, a chambercandlestick unlighted, and work basketAnarm chair, L., withconcertina and case on it;—chairs R. and L. of table.

Mrs.Todd and Perks themaid servant are engaged packing the travelling case onchair, R.

Mrs. T.  There, there, thatwill do.  My pink satin dress there; my handkerchiefs; mycollars—

Perks. (snatching a pair ofWellington boots from the floor)  And here’smaster’s new boots, mum, can’t you make a tiny bit ofroom for them between your lace cap and your Indian shawl?

Mrs. T.  Perks, I’mastonished at your suggesting such an association:—put themin the carpet bag.

Perks.  La, mum, there’snot room for a tooth-pick in the carpet bag; how we’re everto get it’s jaws closed again I don’t know; andthere’s a dressing case, and a box of cigars, and a fishingrod, and two umbrellas, a telescope and a pair of slippers, to beput up yet!

Mrs. T.  Where’s myugly?  What can have happened it?

p. 4Toddenters, L. 1 E., with a Bradshaw’s Guide inhis hand.

Todd.  Here it is! I’ve found it!

Mrs. T. (R.)  My ugly?

Todd. (L.)  No, my dear, our route. I’ve been studying Bradshaw all the morning, and I findthat if we leave—page 49—I mean, if we leave thePaddington—no—the Euston-square Station—at 7o’clock, a.m., we can get by the Oxford Junctionto—to—page—(turning over the leaves)page—page—no—that’s the Tilbury andSouthend Line.  Ah! here it is!—we’re then totake the express train to—to York—where we meet theMidland Counties, you perceive, and then see—page74—(turning over the leaves)74—74—74—74—where there’s a branchto the Eastern Counties that takes us to Norwich—and whenwe get to Norwich there’s a junction that takesus—somewhere—I don’t precisely knowwhere—but I have a strong reliance on Bradshaw.

Mrs. T.  I wish you would putdown Bradshaw, Todd, and exert the limited powers with whichheaven has blessed you, and help me to pack and cord thesethings—you leave everything for me to do.

Todd.  My dear Laura,there’s the difference between us—you’reremarkable for physical energy—I for contemplativerepose.  The study of Bradshaw fatigues one’s mind so.(Perks, who has been clearing offluggage, R., gets round atback to L. and takes upconcertina from chair)  Mind that concertina,Perks—it’s the only instrument I play—(takesit from her, C.), and havingdevoted myself for six months to “My Mary Ann,” Irather flatter myself I shall create an extraordinary sensationamongst the foreign echoes this summer. (he commencesplayingMy Mary Ann,” when a knock isheard)  Hah! who can this be?

Perkscrosses at back and exits, R. 1 E.

Mrs. T.  I dare say my uncleCroker—come to bid us good bye.

Todd.  Your uncle, my dear, isa very worthy man.  I should feel bound to respect hisvenerable hairs, if he had any left to respect, but thathydropathic habit he has—of throwing cold water uponeverything—is very disagreeable.

p. 5Enter Choker, R. 1E., followed by Perks, who collects some of the scatteredarticles and carries them off, R. 1 E.

Mrs. T. (kissing Croker)  My dear uncle! (Croker crosses to C.)

Todd. (L. shaking his hand)  Howd’ye do, Croker?  How are you?  Never saw youlook so jolly in your life. (aside)  Dismal as acherub on a tombstone!  It was very kind of you to call; westart on our tour in the morning, so you’re just in time tosee the last of us.

Crok. (C.)  The last of you!  Ah, Samuel, I hope theremay be nothing prophetic in your words, but I have a melancholyforeboding—

Mrs. T. (R.)  For goodness sake, uncle,don’t talk of melancholy forebodings—when we arelooking forward to the Continent.

Todd.  Aye, what do you thinkof six months amidst the classic scenes of Italy.  Fancysmoking a cigar on the summit of Vesuvius; think of dancing theTarantula amidst the ruins of Pompeii; imagine the deliciousmaccaroni—and the lazzaroni—and all the otheroni’s. (forgetting himself)  Picture toyourself the indescribable rapture of floating on the moonlit seawith a lovely creature beside you.

Mrs. T. (indignantly) Mr. Todd!

Todd. (recollecting himselfcrosses C. to Mrs. Todd)  Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Of course my dear, I was thinking of you—idealizing you asit were—in a poetic dream. (crosses back to L.)  By the bye, Croker, is thereanything we can do for you abroad?  We expect to be inBoulogne to-morrow night.

Crok. (C.)  Well, I don’t wish to alarm you—butI had once a dear friend who was lost in crossing toBoulogne.

Todd. (L.)  Lost! hem! dear me!  Butwith a good steamer you’re tolerably safe, I believe.

Crok.  I’ve heard ofseveral appalling catastrophes to steamers.  Now, ifyou’d like to hear a few of them. (sits on L. of table, C.)

p. 6Mrs. T. (seated R. of table)  Oh, dear,no!  Don’t trouble yourself, uncle.

Crok.  The trouble is nothing;it is to me always a melancholy pleasure to prepare my friendsfor the worst.

Todd. (seated in arm chair,L.)  We’re very muchobliged to you—but we’d rather have it withoutpreparation.

Mrs. T.  Do you know, uncle,we purpose crossing the Alps into Italy?

Crok.  It was but yesterday Iwas reading of a party of six young Englishmen being buriedbeneath an avalanche on the great St. Bernard.

Todd.  Buried—alive?

Crok.  Alive.

Todd.  B—b—but itdon’t often happen, does it?

Crok.  Continually, at thisseason.  Ask Albert Smith; he knows:—and whatis most distressing, they all leave large families—ofcreditors to deplore their loss.

Todd.  I’m not naturallytimid; but these things are sufficient to shake the stoutestheart.

Crok.  Take my advice, Samuel,and stay in your own country.  If you must travel—ifyou must go to the seaside—have you not Gravesend,Southend, and Mile-end?

Todd.  Oh, but you know, ifone never moves from one’s native shore, one might as wellbe born a muscle—or a barnacle!

Mrs. T.  Besides, my dearuncle, it’s now too late to alter our arrangements. What would they say at Brompton if we went to Margate, with apassport for Naples?

Crok.  Have you considered thepractices of the Italian innkeepers, who skin an Englishmanalive, when they catch him?

Todd.  I shan’t mindthat; I’ve undergone the operation so frequently in our ownhappy country.

Crok.  Then there’s thedanger of the roads.  I don’t want to alarm you; but Ihad a dear friend once, who was travelling with his young wife,as you might be, to Naples—

Todd.  To Naples?

Crok.  To Naples—wherethey were stopped in a lonely mountain road by brigands.

Todd.  Did yousay—by—brigands?

p. 7Crok.  Twenty of them—all armedto the teeth.  Their captain, a ferociously handsome-lookingscoundrel, clapped a carbine to my unfortunate friend’shead—and—

Todd. (earnestly)  Blewout his brains?

Crok.  All that heaven hadgranted to him.

Todd.  Atrocious wretch! And your unfortunate friend’s wife—did they shoot hertoo?

Crok. (solemnly) No—no;—it’s a horrible tale!

Todd. (rises)  ThenI’d rather not hear it. (crosses to C.)  Laura, my dear; on reflection,hadn’t we better confine our views to Margate, thisyear?

Mrs. T. (rises)  No,Todd—no.  I’ve made up my mind, and packed mytrunks for the Continent; and nothing on earth shall alter mydetermination.

Todd.  Of course not, mydear—I’m fully aware of the steadiness of yourpurpose; but might it not be prudent—a—thatis—a—advisable, to pause.

Mrs. T.  You know, Todd, Inever pause.  To-morrow morning, at six, we start!  Thepoliceman has promised to ring our bell at five.

Todd.  Then it’sfixed.  (Mrs. Todd goes upR. and crosses at back toL.)

Crok. (rises)  Ah!well,—if you will rush on your fate!—I must be going.(C.)  Good bye, Laura.(embraces Mrs. Todd, L.)

Mrs. T. (L.)  Good bye, dear uncle—goodbye!

Crok.  Bless you both! Hah! I wish you a pleasant journey, with all my heart.  Keepup your spirits, Samuel, man is born to misfortune. (crossesto L., then turns toTodd)  I hope you’vesettled your worldly affairs.  Good bye—this may bethe last time we shall ever meet each other in thisworld—but remember,—I tried to cheer you to thelast.

Todd. (dropping into chairR. of table)  Thankyou—you’ve made me very comfortable—very.

Exit Croker, R. 1E.

Mrs. T. (C.)  What a shocking raven my uncleis!—He hasn’t frightened you, dear, has he?

Todd. (seated, R.)  No—not to say,frightened—but somehow I don’t feel that glowinganticipation of our journey that I did this morning.  Vagueapprehensions p.8will intrude into the—vacant mind—and dampone’s natural hilarity.

Mrs. T.  Nonsense!(lighting a chamber candlestick)  You’d betterget to bed—and you’ll forget all these terriblestories before morning. (crossing to R.)

Todd. (rises)  Verywell—I’ll follow you in a few minutes, my dear.

Exit Mrs. Todd, with chamber candlestick,R. 1 E.

Croker’s suggestion about arranging my worldly affairsshould not be neglected. (sits at L. of table and takes papers out ofwriting-desk)  I have some papers and documents herewhich I must put in order before I depart for “thatundiscovered bourne from whence no traveller gets a returnticket.”  Pshaw!  I must not let the dismalforebodings of old Croker prey upon me!  Now! think of it,I’ll light one of those Turkish cigarettes, which myfriend, Captain Crasher, brought home from the East.  Hetells me they’re prepared with opium and produce the mosttranquillizing effect on the spirits. (he takes a cigar casefrom the table drawer and lights a cigarette)  This Ihope will restore the serenity of my mind.  Be a man, Todd!be a man!  Croker’s an ass!  He and his storiesmay go to the devil. (smoking and arranging hispapers)  Humph! ha! pooh! capital weed! (taking up abundle of papers)  What are these?  “Accountssettled.”  Um! um! (puts them down and takes upanother parcel, turning them over)  Mrs.Todd’s

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